I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
pray to the hookup gods
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
