Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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