Dual....:-)
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
