She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
