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Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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