Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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