My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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