where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
