im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
