Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
