Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
