elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
