he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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