I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I smell stomach acid.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
