Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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