haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
