one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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