My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
