I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Found the puke drawer
What drink are we having for lunch?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
