I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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