I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
