it was like his penis was on wheels.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
