I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
