spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
