the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
