They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
