you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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