a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
