now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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