just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
