she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
