I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
