Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
