...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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