I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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