My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
