the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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