NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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