I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
