I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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