I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
