oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
