the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
