at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
