the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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