Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
