my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
