Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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