Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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