Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
