I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
