There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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