I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
