FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
