Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
