I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
