I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
