I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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