Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
