I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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