i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
