Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
