come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize