Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
